how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
