1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
