Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
whose parrot is this?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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