I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She said her name was "party"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We are two peas in an std pod
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
