just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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