I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
