The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
