Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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