I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
