I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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