Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
