I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
