I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
