I'm pants shitting drunk right now
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
