2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
