It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
