and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
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No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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