the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
