Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
