i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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