NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
