somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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