He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
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She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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