I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
