Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
