So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
