So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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