where am i from again
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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