haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
