so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
