You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
