I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
