I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
