why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
