What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
