You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
