Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
We are two peas in an std pod
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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