Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Will you blow on my dice?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
