If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
