My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize