it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize