Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
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Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If I die, sorry about rent.
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