Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
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You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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