he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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