you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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