just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
