She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
