I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
