ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
