Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
