The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
