Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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