if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
