you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
