you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
