Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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