I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
